My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
