if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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