we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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