Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
