My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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