i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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