ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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