Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
