I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
