i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is Oprah even human
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you