I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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