Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your penis caused this!
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