Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
