Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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