He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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