i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
