It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize