The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
