I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
