Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
