Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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