so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
