I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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