I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
