i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
