i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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