When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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