Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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