i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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