Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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