hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
