Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
