I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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