My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im six kinds of drunk right now
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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