i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
4 words: hood of his car
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I AM VODKA MAN
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
