I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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