I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
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I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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