This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
