That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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