I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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