Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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