like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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