theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
