Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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