Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
