This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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