made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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