He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
