guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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