You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
