I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
