Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
