What a fucking waste of an outfit
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
